Her Growth

Here is a letter she handed to me this morning. It turns out last night we were both agonizing and writing letters to each other to clarify our feelings. We are so damn alike it is scary.

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Dear [Me],

I don't blame you for my disease. Do I blame you for snafus in our relationship? Yes. Some things in our relationship are your fault, some are mine. Not everything is related to my disease or your disease.

The past 3 weeks I have been open and honest with my treatment team. The past six months have been a blur, so if I don't recall if I was sober 3 weeks or 4 weeks or month that's not a reflection on my honesty. I do recall that after that it was a day or two drinking, a week dry, a day or two drinking, a day or two dry, a day drinking, ... I know I was sneaking and lying; I know I was creating an unsafe environment for the kids and you were changing your schedule to protect them (I didn't feel to guilty about this); I know I was isolating and you were lonely; I was going to bed early and you were lonely; I know it broke your heart when I lied to you; I know the fear that there is a "bigger secret out there" has been eating at you; I know you worry about the future of our family and marriage.

I was drunk - not an idiot. My disease caused me to make some dumb decisions, but I'm still the smart, thoughtful person I've always been. Please don't assume I'm missing out on something.

I ask your forgiveness for the poor decisions I made while under the influence. I still have the same values, hopes and dreams for us and our family. My disease skewed those values and made them go dormant for a while. I'm working on getting them back, it will take time. My first priority is my sobriety, and that takes all my energy. When I have that taken care of, I can work on relationships.

Please show me kindness and patience while I go through this. I will remember you are also going through a tough time and you also need love and care. I will try to provide that for you because you are so important to me.

Love,

[Her]