Funny Time

My therapist suggests I watch more comedies because laughter is healthy. Family Guy, take me away...

Weekly Check In

I spoke with her therapist today. It was a positive call.

She has "settled down a little bit" in Florida. She is angry, and, to put it politely, not-so-friendly with the staff. At the root of that anger is fear and shame. She is quick to look outward and blame others for her problems. She is slow to look inward.

However, despite a hard start, she has "softened up a bit." She recently has been saying that she misses the children and me very much, and that she very much wants to be home.

She is not yet learning from her crises and letting go of her baggage of the past. That is the focus of the next few weeks, including an anger management program.

Based on some progress here, I may be going to the family program in April, rather than the originally-planned May. I also now expect that at some point down the road (when to be determined) she will start a "transitioning" program, spending a weekend at home, and then going back to rehab, and then a week at home, and then going back to rehab.

This was good to hear. When that happens - whether it's before June, during June, or even later, depends upon her progress.

Hoping For The Best, Preparing For The Worst

Today I met with a divorce attorney to learn about my options should my wife challenge my boundary of her returning home early from rehab against the recommendations of the professionals or returning home and then drinking in the house. We agreed that I am fortunate to have a wife who is willingly seeking treatment, and who is not physically abusive, who wants to get better, who loves her children and who - deep inside there - loves me. She explained to me that my option, basically, is to file for divorce. I thanked her, and told her that I hope I never see her again. She agreed.

I Am Powerless Over Puberty

My 10-year-old son says he's getting hair down there. My nanny says my 9-year-old daughter needs a training bra. I'm really not ready for this.

Uh Oh

I am powerless over the Internet.

Take Serenity Where You Can Get It

Today I got to work about 30 minutes early. So I read Courage To Change and a meditation book and then actually meditated for about 10 minutes in my car.

Tomorrow morning I'm meeting with a divorce attorney: Not to get a divorce. To learn my options and rights if I ultimately want to stop my wife from returning home not in recovery (if she choses to do so) or if I ultimately do want to get a divorce. Right now, I do not want to get a divorce.

As the Boy Scouts say, Be Prepared.

My Easter Story

Note to self: It's the resurrection, stupid.

I haven't been posting. I've been wallowing in my co-dependent addiction to my wife: Worrying about her. Wondering about her. Catastrophizing based on the bad news I have been hearing from her counselors.

My recovery is not about her. My recovery is about me.

My life that was is dying a slow, painful death. I will choose the new life that comes out of that. I will not control this growth. As my rector said in this morning's sermon, "resurrection isn't paint by numbers." The re-birth you get, the re-birth that's right for you, may not be the re-birth that you think you want right now.

I have made wrong moves that have gotten me to where I am today. The best right moves for me are not those that come from within - they come from outside. I have learned I can not control my recovery without guidance and support. I have come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.

Hey, I think I just, finally, completed step 2.

I need you people. You are a part of that higher power.

On to step 3...

Clarification: My sponsor, who is thankfully managing my recovery, stresses to me that I'll never have completed step 2. I'll always be working it. That said, he is comfortable with moving on to step 3, while also reserving the right to change his mind. That's my favorite part of this program - always reserving the right to change your mind.

Progress

Today I picked her up from rehab (two-plus-hour drive each way), brought her home to see the kids (as well as the dog, two of her sisters and a nephew), and then brought her to the airport - bound for three-months of extended treatment at a "boot camp" residential rehabilitation facility far away.

She was very communicative with me today, and more genuine than she has been in a long time. At one point, in the middle of the day, while she was packing, she called for me to come spend some time with her. She wanted to tell me that she is very scared about spending three months in a tough program. She cried. Then she recovered. This was a big breakthrough. In the past, when she was flooded by feelings like this, she would isolate, and often drink - and then run away. She didn't. She shared her fears, and then she confronted them. She never asked to back out. She takes her predicament very seriously, she knows that she has caused people pain, she takes responsibility for it, and she very much wants to get better.

Hours later ... I just got a call from the rehab facility, and they told me she arrived safe. More importantly, they told me she blew a 0.00% on the breathalyzer (after having easy access to alcohol in the airports and on the plane).

All of the above is a big improvement from where she was when she returned from rehab last summer. She is growing, and that is so good.

Last night, I was anxious about her recovery. I could not envision her being sober. Tonight, I have hope and faith - and I miss her dearly.

Check

Just bought this. (See below.)

Today's Memo To Codependency

To: Codependency
Copy: Alcoholism
Subject: New Rules

Today, just today, I will not blindly accept your active participation in my life. Today, just today, I will focus on my recovery, rather than the recovery of the Alcoholic who I love so much. Her recovery is just that, her recovery. She knows that I am always here to help her if she wants it. All she has to do is ask.

I know you always will be here. I know I will continuously relapse into co-dependent behaviors. That is because you are just as sneaky as and sometimes harder to detect than Alcoholism. You constantly, quietly, gently creep into my mind, my heart and my soul – taking over my words and actions, before I have even noticed your presence. If only you came in a clearly-labeled bottle, with a distinct scent!

An important part of my recovery is learning to love myself. (There, I admitted it: I do not love myself! My Alcoholic wife and I - we are a perfect match!) I feel better about myself when I am taking care of my body and striving toward a personal goal. So I have registered for the 2008 New York City Marathon. If my name is drawn in the registration lottery in June, I will run the marathon in November. If not, I will run 26 miles somewhere else on marathon day. I will be fit again. I will be proud of myself for doing this.

Today I will buy a marathon training guide to get me started on this journey of personal discovery.

Also today, just today, I will not blame you for all of my problems. You are not the cause of everything that is wrong in my life, including the damage that has been done to my marriage over the years, including the dysfunction that resides within my family, including the fact that today I was told by my 6-year-old’s teacher that he has been fighting with another boy in the lunchroom. There are many causes of that damage outside of you. I have caused much of that damage all by myself.

Today I will post this letter on my blog, keep it in my pocket, and read it a few times. I aim to keep in touch with you (and me) this way often.

Sincerely,

[Me]

Her Growth

Here is a letter she handed to me this morning. It turns out last night we were both agonizing and writing letters to each other to clarify our feelings. We are so damn alike it is scary.

# # #

Dear [Me],

I don't blame you for my disease. Do I blame you for snafus in our relationship? Yes. Some things in our relationship are your fault, some are mine. Not everything is related to my disease or your disease.

The past 3 weeks I have been open and honest with my treatment team. The past six months have been a blur, so if I don't recall if I was sober 3 weeks or 4 weeks or month that's not a reflection on my honesty. I do recall that after that it was a day or two drinking, a week dry, a day or two drinking, a day or two dry, a day drinking, ... I know I was sneaking and lying; I know I was creating an unsafe environment for the kids and you were changing your schedule to protect them (I didn't feel to guilty about this); I know I was isolating and you were lonely; I was going to bed early and you were lonely; I know it broke your heart when I lied to you; I know the fear that there is a "bigger secret out there" has been eating at you; I know you worry about the future of our family and marriage.

I was drunk - not an idiot. My disease caused me to make some dumb decisions, but I'm still the smart, thoughtful person I've always been. Please don't assume I'm missing out on something.

I ask your forgiveness for the poor decisions I made while under the influence. I still have the same values, hopes and dreams for us and our family. My disease skewed those values and made them go dormant for a while. I'm working on getting them back, it will take time. My first priority is my sobriety, and that takes all my energy. When I have that taken care of, I can work on relationships.

Please show me kindness and patience while I go through this. I will remember you are also going through a tough time and you also need love and care. I will try to provide that for you because you are so important to me.

Love,

[Her]

Good News - Just For Today

Today (Wednesday) I completed the 5-day Family Education Program portion of her rehabilitation treatment . It was a time of growth - not without pain - for both of us. She apologized to me for the chaos that her alcoholism has caused, and for choosing alcohol over me and the family. (I also had some of my own apologizing to do.) She took responsibility without blame for her actions, and she very willingly decided to follow her program's recommendation to "graduate" to an extended-care facility at another location this Sunday. She will be there for at least 3 months, possibly longer. I'll put today in the "win" column. I take what I can get. God is good. All of the time.

Terrible Tuesday

Yesterday was known as the "Terrible Tuesday" of the family education program at the rehabilitation center. Having gone through this type of program before, it was not so terrible for us, until the end of the day, when we had a scheduled session with her counselor, and everything fell apart, complete with lots of tears. Life is hard, and we co-dependents and alcoholics make it harder. To make matters worse, I called my special Al-Anon friend to talk to her about the day, and during that call made her cry too. Like I said, we co-dependents make life harder than it needs to be. Below is a letter that I plan to pass to my wife when I see her first thing this morning, and a text message that I sent to my Al-Anon angel last night.

# # #

To [My Wife],

You know I have identified my higher power as community. Today I finally identified my Satan, and it is alcoholism.

Alcoholism and its evil partner, co-dependency, have ravaged my once-fit mind, body and spirit perhaps as much as yours.

My judgement, compassion, patience, perspective and discernment have been so worn down and warped by this disease that they are at times non-existent.

Alcoholism and co-dependency have damaged my friendships, my family relationships, my recovery relationships, and - most painfully - our marriage.

Throughout this horrible assault, there is one thing within me so powerful that it has not been damaged at all. That one thing is my eternal, unconditional love for you.

Today had been such a positive experience I think for both of us until the disease got its way in [your counselor's] office. We were both defensive, mean and judgemental - and I am sorry for that. Please forgive me.

All of the time I am trying to do the right thing. Sometimes I try too hard. Sometimes I do not listen to what the spirit is saying. Lots of times I screw up. Sound familiar? We are soul mates, in good times and in bad.

I want to keep my co-dependency out of the way of your recovery. I want active alcoholism out of our lives. Sometimes as I take action toward those goals I may do things that are right but feel wrong. Sometimes I do things that are wrong but feel right.

I want you to find the treatment that gives us the best chance to recover as a family. Alcoholism wants our family to break apart so that it can forever thrive within all of us.

Let's not let it do that.

No matter what, you will always be my sweetheart, in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, when we do the right thing, and when we do the wrong thing.

Darling, please be true to me, as I am true to you. Let's win this thing.

Love,

[Me]

# # #

[Text message to my Al-Anon friend.]

Maybe our Higher Power is telling us what neither have wanted to hear - that this thing we've got going is not the right thing for either of us right now. I am truly sorry. You are truly wonderful. Don't let your emotions trick you into thinking otherwise.

An Open Letter To Alcoholism

There was a time just weeks ago when I was charmed by your cloak of warmth and intimacy. Through the higher power that I have gotten to know face-to-face in my program of recovery I have learned that was a deceptive act to infiltrate and destroy my family.

There was a time just weeks ago when I would have done anything for you. Through recovery I am gaining the emotional intelligence to no longer enable you.

Those times are over.

Therefore, be forewarned that if you continue to act out, you no longer will be welcome in my marriage - by any means necessary. I accept that you are forever a part of my life. I always and forever will deeply love the person in my life who you have directly and permanently infected. Everybody in my family always will be in recovery from you.

You are always and forever welcome to be in my family - as long as you remain under arrest. A new relationship with my soul mate is well worth the challenges of our family taking you prisoner. That is truly what I want.

You have sapped my energy and my tears to the point I am constantly exhausted, so much that I have been unable to cry and let out the overwhelming sadness.

I don't hate much, but I absolutely and passionately hate you.

I love my wife.

Please surrender to recovery for the good of the future of my family.

These terms are non-negotiable.

Never More Sincerely,

[Me]