In The Eye Of The Storm

This week I am participating in family week at her rehabilitation facility. The first night of the program I attended her therapy group. Her peers were invited to give me feedback about her progress, and they were brutal about her not having made any. They said that all they hear about is how bad our marriage has been, not where she is now or the work that she will do to get better.

Then I was invited to respond to all of that, and I told her that I had an epiphany when she tried to leave treatment and I stood up to her. I realized that in retrospect our marriage has been bad, and that instead of acknowledging that, I have been for years idealizing our marriage and trying to be the good guy who holds the family together. I have been afraid of failing in marriage, so I have been clinging to a bad one. All this time, our marriage has been hurting each other, and the children have been losing respect for us. Then I told her that I want to end the marriage.

There's much more here to write, but not know, I'm spent. I'm preparing for a divorce, and I'm mourning our marriage, all while staring into her angry, empty eyes every day.

I have so many tears within.

Coffee Talk

As food for thought, I offer Wordsworth's "Intimations of Immortality." It is a special poem that was introduced to me by a special person. I plan to read it lots of times.

# # #

ODE: INTIMATIONS OF IMMORTALITY

The Child is father of the Man;
And I could wish my days to be
Bound each to each by natural piety.

I. There was a time when meadow, grove, and stream,
The earth, and every common sight,
To me did seem
Appareled in celestial light,
The glory and the freshness of a dream
It is not now as it hath been of yore-
Turn whereso'er I may,
By night or day,
The things which I have seen I now can see no more.

II. The Rainbow comes and goes,
And lovely is the Rose,
The Moon doth with delight
Look round her when the heavens are bare,
Waters on a starry night
Are beautiful and fair;
The sunshine is a glorious birth;
But yet I know, where'er I go,
That there hath past away a glory from the earth.

III. Now, while the birds thus sing a joyous song,
And while the young lambs bound
As to the tabor's sound,
To me alone there came a thought of grief:
A timely utterance gave that thought relief,
And I again am strong:
The cataracts blow their trumpets from the steep;
No more shall grief of mine the season wrong;
I hear the Echoes through the mountain throng,
The Winds come to me from the fields of sleep,
And all the earth is gay;
Land and sea
Give themselves up to jollity,
And with the heart of May
Doth every Beast keep holiday-
Thou Child of Joy,
Shout round me, let me hear thy shouts,
thou happy Shepherd-boy! (part of previous line)

IV. Ye blessed Creatures, I have heard the call
Ye to each other make;I see
The heavens laugh with you in your jubilee;
My heart is at your festival,
My head hath its coronal,
The fullness of your bliss, I feel-I feel it all.
Oh, evil day! if I were sullen
While Earth herself is adorning,
This sweet May morning,
And the Children are culling
On every side,
In a thousand valleys far and wide,
Fresh flowers; while the sun shines warm,
And the Babe leaps up on his Mother's arm-
I hear, I hear, with joy I hear!
-But there's a Tree, of many, one,
A single Field which I have looked upon,
Both of them speak of something that is gone:
The Pansy at my feet
Doth the same tale repeat:
Whither is fled the visionary gleam?
Where is it now, the glory and the dream?

V. Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:
The Soul that rises with us, our life's Star,
Hath had elsewhere its setting,
And cometh from afar:
Not in entire forgetfulness,
And not in utter nakedness,
But trailing clouds of glory do we come
From God, who is our home:
Heaven lies about us in our infancy!
Shades of the prison-house begin to close
Upon the growing Boy
But he
Beholds the light, and whence it flows,
He sees it in his joy;
The Youth, who daily farther from the east
Must travel, still is Nature's Priest,
And by the vision splendid
Is on his way attended;
At length the Man perceives it die away,
And fade into the light of common day.

VI. Earth fills her lap with pleasures of her own;
Yearnings she hath in her own natural kind,
And, even with something of a Mother's mind,
And no unworthy aim,
The homely Nurse doth all she can
To make her foster child, her Inmate Man,
Forget the glories he hath known,
And that imperial palace whence he came.

VII. Behold the Child among his newborn blisses,
A six-years' Darling of a pygmy size!
See, where 'mid work of his own hand he lies,
Fretted be sallies of his mother's kisses,
With light upon him from his father's eyes!
See, at his feet, some little plan or chart,
Some fragment from his dream of human life,
Shaped by himself with newly-learned art;
A wedding or a festival,
A mourning or a funeral;
And this hath now his heart,
And unto this he frames his song;
The will he fit his tongue
To dialogues of business, love, or strife;
But it will not be long
Ere this be thrown aside,
And with new joy and pride
The little Actor cons another part;
Filling from time to time his "humorous stage"
With all the Persons, down to palsied Age,
That Life brings with her in her equipage;
As if his whole vocation
Were endless imitation.

VIII. Thou, whose exterior semblance doth belie
Thy Soul's immensity;
Thou best Philosopher, who yet dost keep
Thy heritage, thou Eye among the blind,
That, deaf and silent, read'st the eternal deep,
Haunted forever by the eternal mind-
Mighty Prophet! Seer Blest!
On whom those truths do rest,
Which we are toiling all our lives to find,
In darkness lost, the darkness of the grave;
Thou, over whom thy Immortality
Broods like the Day, a Master o'er a Slave,
A Presence which is not to be put by;
Thou little Child, yet glorious in the might
Of heaven-born freedom on thy being's height,
Why with such earnest pains dost thou provoke
The years to bring the inevitable yoke,
Thus blindly with thy blessedness at strife?
Full soon thy Soul shall have her earthly freight,
And custom lie upon thee with a weight,
Heavy as frost, and deep almost as life!

IX: O joy! that in our embers
Is something that doth live,
That nature yet remembers
What was so fugitive!
The thought of our past years in me doth breed
Perpetual benediction: not indeed
For that which is most worthy to be blest;
Delight and liberty, the simple creed
Of Childhood, whether busy or at rest,
With new-fledged hope still fluttering in his breast-
Not for these I raise
The song of thanks and praise;
But for those obstinate questionings
Of sense and outward things,
Fallings from us, vanishings;
Blank misgivings of a Creature
Moving about in worlds not realized,
High instincts before which our mortal Nature
Did tremble like a guilty Thing surprised;
But for those first affections,
Those shadowy recollections,
Which, be they what they may,
Are yet the fountain light of all our day,
Are yet a master light of all our seeing;
Uphold us, cherish, and have power to make
Our noisy years seem moments in the being
Of the eternal Silence: truth that wake,
To perish never;
Which neither listlessness, nor mad endeavor,
Nor Man nor Boy,
Nor all that is at enmity with joy,
Can utterly abolish or destroy!
Hence in a season of calm weather
Though inland far we be,
Our Souls have sight of that immortal sea
Which brought us hither,
Can in a moment travel thither,
And see the Children sport upon the shore,
And hear the mighty waters rolling evermore.

X. Then sing, ye Birds, sing, sing a joyous song!
And let the young Lambs bound
As to the tabor's sound!
We in thought will join your throng,
Ye that pipe and ye that play,
Ye that through your hearts today
Feel the gladness of the May!
What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now forever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind.

XI. And O, ye Fountains, Meadows, Hills, and Groves,
Forebode not any severing of our loves!
Yet in my heart of hearts I feel your might;
I only have relinquished one delight
To live beneath your more habitual sway.
I love the Brooks which down their channels fret,
Even more than when I tripped lightly as they;
The innocent brightness of a newborn Day
Is lovely yet;
The clouds that gather round the setting sun
Do take a sober coloring from an eye
That hath kept watch o'er man's mortality;
Another race hath been, and other palms are won.
Thanks to the human heart by which we live,
Thanks to its tenderness, its joys, and fears,
To me the meanest flower that blows can give
Thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears.

Today's Memo To My Attorney

I just e-mailed this:

My wife...last week walked out of her rehab facility, and then she later returned to it. On another day, she was threatening to walk out, and then she decided not to. Both times, I was involved in "talking her down."

I am concerned that one day she will unexpectedly turn up at our house. I want to be in a legal position to deny her entry for the good of myself and my family. I am not willing to have an active alcoholic in my house against the recommendations of her treatment team. Also, when I stood up to her over the phone last week, it was a very liberating experience, and that has me wondering whether or not I ultimately want to continue our marriage.

I recall you mentioning something called a "court-ordered separation" (?) that possibly would enable me to legally prevent her from returning home given her condition. Is that correct? If so, I want to have something like that in place, in effect, right now, should she return home unexpectedly, especially on a Friday night or a weekend, when I am not able to immediately contact you for consultation.

I want to talk to you more about this, either via e-mail, or on the phone, or in person. I am available in person early tomorrow (Tuesday) or Wednesday morning, if you have room for me on your calendar. Please let me know your thoughts.

Step 3

Dear Sponsor,

Thanks to your compassionate nudge, I have completed Step 3 today, on my Mac, sitting in the quiet woods and in a comfortable Starbucks. My homework is done – for today. (I didn’t say I’m done with the step; I said my homework is done.) Now I’m going out to play …

Q1. How do I feel about turning my life over to a Higher Power for guidance?

A1. I want to turn my life over to a Higher Power for guidance because I have lived my life obsessively trying to solve my own problems by myself, and obsessively trying to solve the problems of others for them by myself, and that has not worked. I want serenity. The path to serenity for me requires that I recognize my feelings and thoughts and then move on. I will not be able to do that if I continue to obsessively and reactively seek my own solutions to feelings and thoughts that are not resolved for me. I will be able to do that if I turn over my feelings and thoughts to a Higher Power for guidance.

Q2. How do I know who or what my Higher Power is?

A2. I know that my Higher Power is something larger than myself because I am not responsible for anything but the choice that I am making right at this moment. Something larger than or beside myself is responsible for everything else. That something larger than or beside myself is my Higher Power, and it is the Higher Power of others. It is the spirit of life that will guide us down the right path if we chose to make our minds and bodies quiet enough that we can listen to it, and exercise the wisdom to accept its guidance. My Higher Power is the spirit that guides me toward choices of life rather than choices of death for myself. My Higher Power does not guide me in choices for others. Their Higher Power(s) do that for them.

Q3. Am I willing to turn my problems over? What would help me to be willing?

A3. I am willing in principle to turn my problems over to my Higher Power for the reasons stated above. I do not always choose to turn my problems over to my Higher Power because I try to predict outcomes that will occur if I make choices without my Higher Power, and when I recognize an outcome that I desire, I fear that turning the choice over to my Higher Power will result in an outcome that I do not desire. Reflecting on moments in my own experience – the experiences of others as they are willing to share them with me – when making decisions without a Higher Power has resulted in me or somebody else doing the next wrong thing rather than the next right thing will help me to learn, remember and respect that I want my Higher Power to help me discern and rise above my rapid-fire mind and heart to do the next right thing for me.

Q4. How can I stop thinking, trying and considering, and actually make a decision?

A4. I can stop thinking, trying and considering by getting quiet and listening. That includes: 1. Quieting my mind; 2. Listening to my emotions and thoughts, and recognizing what they are; 3. Opening my quiet mind to listen to the emotions and thoughts of my Higher Power – however that Higher Power chooses to speak to me – and recognizing what those are; 4. Using that information to discern what is the next right thing for me; 5. Doing the next right thing for me; 6. Moving on.

Q5. Have I had a problem making decisions in my life? Give examples.

A5. When I was in high school, and then into college, I had the same steady girlfriend for four years, from the age of 16 to the age of 20. We gave each other our virginity, and we were faithful to each other. At various times during this unusually long, committed teenage relationship, I was not happy. I was very Catholic at the time, and I sought guidance from God through prayer. I always found the answer to be to stay with her. In retrospect, I do not think that I received any guidance from God to stay with her. I think I was motivated by the fear of hurting her, the fear of being alone, the fear of being detached – to stay with her. I ultimately one night went to a party, got drunk, and had sex with another girl. The next morning, I went straight to her workplace and told her, and then she broke up with me. I was so unable to make the decision to leave her that I instead intentionally hurt her to push her away from me.

Perhaps some of this fear of hurting, fear of being alone and fear of being detached is what I have been experiencing with my alcoholic wife as well in recent years. Nearly 10 years ago, when my wife first started to experience her most trying severe depressions, I went through a period during which I was feeling very alone and detached, and going to great extent to make her comfortable rather than focusing at all on self care. I have been acting that way for a decade as the depression evolved into full-blown alcoholism. Perhaps I am on the precipice of another big decision. Perhaps my challenge with that decision is to seek guidance, accept it, and take action – for myself; rather than to passive-aggressively take action to push her to make the decision that I want.

Q6. If I am unable to make this decision, what holds me back?

A6. If I am unable to decide that I will turn my life over to a Higher Power for guidance? Is that what you mean, oh arrogant tan book? ☺ Maybe those sarcastic questions sum it up. I have often thought I know what’s best for me. I have often been very defensive about my decisions and uninterested in hearing other points of view. I have often been unwilling to accept that something or somebody else outside of me knows what’s best for me – be it my mother, my brother, my sister, my friends, my colleagues, my bosses … whomever or whatever.

Q7. Do I trust my Higher Power to care for me?

A7. I have faith that whoever or whatever is my Higher Power is a force for good. So, yes, I trust my Higher Power to care for me. That does not mean I can just lie down and let my Higher Power drive. It means I have faith that when I do good, mindful work to listen to my higher power, the answer that I hear will be a caring answer.

Q8. How might Step Three help me keep my hands off situations created by others?

A8. By turning my life over to a Higher Power for guidance, I acknowledge that there is a Higher Power for me who is ready, willing and capable of providing me with good, caring guidance to do the next right thing. I also acknowledge that others have their own Higher Power(s) to do the same. That means I am not anybody else’s Higher Power. Therefore, it’s not my place to take care of or control situations created by others. That is for those others to deal with – possibly with guidance from a Higher Power, should they choose to listen to it or accept it.

Q9. What consequences have I had by obsessing on problems and other people?

A9. When I obsess on problems I do not take care of myself, I do not enjoy myself, I do not appreciate life, I do not share good feelings with others – I drown in fear and shut down. In all of these areas, when I drown in fear and shut down, I neglect my own responsibilities, including self-care, and I neglect my relationships. When I obsess on people, I irritate them and push them away from me, and I burden myself with identifying their solutions, taking time and energy away from identifying and choosing the next right thing. I sometimes do them a disservice by doing things for them that may not be right from them and may be stopping them from learning and growing.

Well that’s all nice and intellectual slash Dr. Phil sounding – so let’s get to more concrete examples of consequences:

My marriage is damaged because my obsessing about problems at work and obsessing about my wife’s problems with her emotions have created friction, tension and dislike between us that we ultimately may not be able to overcome.

My children are damaged because my pre-occupation and energy focused on all of the above has equaled time not spent nurturing and supporting them.

My status at my work has been damaged for the same reasons.

Q10. When I “Let Go and Let God” take care of my life, am I willing to follow the guidance I receive?

A10. See A6 above. Often the guidance that I receive is to let things take their course, to listen harder, and to try less hard. Sometimes I am so anxious to force solutions to problems so that life can move more quickly that I ignore that call to quietness. Generally, when I ignore it, my forced solutions cause more problems than already existed. I want and will be more willing to follow the guidance I receive moving forward.

Q11. How can I turn a situation over and let go of the results?

A11. I can turn a situation over by listening for guidance from my Higher Power and then accepting that guidance regardless of my projections of what the results could be. Could is a bad word. I can do this most effectively by not projecting. I cannot predict outcomes. The world is full of unintended consequences. Rejecting the guidance of my higher power and trying to predict outcomes to drive my decisions leads to paralysis. See Q9 above. Wow, this is all really coming together. Next question, Alex? (As in “Jeopardy.”)

Q12. How can I stop myself from taking my will back?

A12. That is a very challenging question. My emotional reaction to that question is that I will not give up my will – I will not join a cult. Ah, that’s the point, isn’t it? To make me realize that this step is about giving up my will in the first place! Anyway, I can stop myself from taking my will back by reminding myself what happens when I do not listen for and to a Higher Power – by re-reading A1 above.

Q13. What can I do when my loved ones make decisions I don’t like?

A13. I am powerless over their decisions. Their decisions are for them to make, with guidance from their Higher Power(s) should they chose to listen to it. I can in response to these decisions Let Go and Let God help me come to the next right move for me at the right time. Sometimes that means keeping my mouth shut. Sometimes that means expressing my opinion succinctly, so that I do not harbor ill feelings that fester within me, and then moving on. The latter is only appropriate when it will not do damage. There is a difference between doing damage and resulting in friction. When I know that my expression of opinion will result in unnecessary pain, I do not have to express it. When I know that my expression of opinion may cause friction, that is different, and I am welcome to express it. I will not withhold communication simply because I fear how the other person will respond.

Q14. How can I let my loved ones find their own life paths as I am finding mine?

A14. That is simple. No need to overcomplicate or overwrite this one: By staying on my side of the street. Period. [.]

Q15. What can I do to try to see others as God sees them?

A15. I can stop judging others and start looking at others through lenses of compassion and kindness. I can seek guidance from my Higher Power in doing that. What better way to look at others through the eyes of God than to ask him or her for guidance?

Q16. How can I express God’s will in my actions and words toward others, including the alcoholic?

A16. By practicing Step 3; by practicing everything that I have learned in answering these questions. Thank you and good night!

Great, Great, Great!

I am doing great this week. I have never felt this good before. The program is working magic within me.

I am not perfect, and that is OK. Why do I say that today? There are some things in life that are just for me to know.

Groundhog Day

She was threatening to leave again today. She told her therapists that I had promised her they would move her to another facility. That was not true. Her therapists called me with her. She begged me for money to get on a plane home to talk to me face-to-face. I said no - that she was not welcome home against the recommendations of her treatment team. She said I was making her hitchhike across the country. I told her that was her choice to make, that I was not making her do anything. That I was recommending she stay in one of the best rehabs in the country so that she has a chance of recovery, because if she leaves she will die from this disease.

It was tough - being tough, but I managed to do it again. Here is what her therapist had to say to me later on:

...It is clear you have been working on yourself, keep it up as this is going to be a long process with [her]. One thing we discussed after our call is your participation in the family program. I would like you to attend the April program...I am not giving up on [her], nor am I going to let her intimidate me into letting her run her own show. She is in desperate need of help and I am confident when she stops fighting she will get the help she needs...Be proud of yourself, you did great this morning.

I'll sleep well again tonight.

In The Hot Zone

My sponsor, who kicks ass - in a good way, today told me that I am in the hot zone. Her life is on the line. She is close to the bottom. Today I asked her therapist if my wife had told her about the abortion she had as a high schooler. The therapist said no. I've always suspected said abortion plays an important role in her mental struggles. Now it's up to the therapist to try to unravel that, since previous to today I think I was the only person (besides the boyfriend who got her pregnant) aware of this in her life. Was I wrong to tell the therapist that? Well, what were my intentions? To provide the therapist with any information that may help her save my wife's life. No, I wasn't wrong. I was in the hot zone.

Test Passed

Today the rehab called to warn me she was on the verge of walking out. They suggested I cancel all of her credit cards so she could not fly home. I canceled the credit cards and the ATM card and her cellphone account. It worked.

She fled. She did not have enough money or access to enough money to get her to the airport, let alone buy a ticket. She called me using a calling card from a pay phone.

She was mad that I had cut off her finances. I told her she is not welcome home against the advice of her caregivers. She hung up.

She called again to tell me how miserable she is, how mean they are, how she is no longer craving alcohol, how she is ready to leave and recover in AA, or at some other facility that is less tough. I told her she is not welcome home against the advice of her caregivers. I told her she could go to a homeless shelter. She said she would rather pick up somebody at a bar. I told her she could do that as well.

She told me her counselor had said that I was filing for divorce. I explained that I had been to see a divorce lawyer to learn my options should she attempt to violate my boundaries, and that I had no desire or intent to divorce her, because I love her very much and want her back with the family - healthy.

I recommended several times that she simply go back to the rehab. She refused. I told her this is an important decision not to be made hastily without the help of professionals. I asked her to please trust me, and I told her that I would doggedly make sure her outside therapist (who she trusts, and who - I reminded her - loves her, just as I do) would be in contact with her inside therapist to discuss the situation.

She gave in, and she went back.

I am proud of myself, dammit! I stood my ground, while showing compassion. I did the next right thing for me, helping her to do the next right thing. I have come so far.

Tomorrow is another day.